To T or Not to T, that is the question. Bonus Subject: Loneliness and Me.

I have shared with you the joys and the heartaches, the frustrations and the laughter, the logistics of life here.  But I haven’t revealed much of my inner struggles with being a “missionary” (yes, I still use airquotes, my fingers making little-bunny-foo-foo-hopping-through-the-forest action when referring to myself by that title).

Not the bunny foo foo song, but close

One of my biggest struggles is loneliness - really not wanting to share this.  I prefer to keep the happy-go-lucky, got-it-all-together mask in place.  Or maybe I’m not fooling anyone like I think I am.  After the last camp in October, I went through over a month long bleak period; feeling completely alone, overwhelmed with my long list of things to get done with only me to do it, tired of having to do everything alone, and tired of just working working working because if you don’t have anyone to do fun things with all there is to do is work.  

 Here’s one small example: my church asked me to send a one minute video clip of me, just smiling.  Sounds easy right?  Do you ever see video selfies?  No you do not, for good reason.  So even this simple task is not when you are alone in the world.  When I realized I was sliding down into a muddy pit, instead of reaching out, I further isolated so I could really wallow in it.  Woe is me.  I threw a spectacular pity party, casual dress, complete with great party food because obviously I deserved it. 

When I moved to South Africa, not only was there a huge change in lifestyle (from globe gallivanting lawyer to penny pinching non-profit director) and change in culture (multiple cultures in South Africa, more than 20 of them, none of which I fit into), but I also went from a socially swamped schedule to being all alone in a land far far away.  In America, I was blessed with a large loving family (cousins actually get together because they want to!) and more friends than I could shake a stick at.  Not that I ever did that, but if I did, I’m sure my arms would get tired long before I ran out of friends who’d let me shake a stick at them.  There was always someone I could call, at the drop of a hat, to go for a walk on the beach, meet for drinks after a hard days work, go to the movies, play beach volleyball, or just hang out and be silly together.  Man my friends can make me laugh!  Oh how I miss that…

One of my going away parties - just happened to be in a winery...

Not that I don’t have friends here, I have a few fabulous friends.  The issue is the word “few”.  During those dark days of October, they had their own stuff going on, so into the cave I went.  It is at those times that I feel Inperpetuity (not her real name, thank God, but a ridiculous name I made up) is correct, but for entirely different reasons.  
During one particularly heated culture clash (on her side anyway, I stayed quite submissive during the exchange.  Did I just hear a snort?) with this traditionally conservative Afrikaans woman, she said that the American church is wrong to send single women out into the mission field. They are “marriage breakers”.  They will no doubt come in contact with married couples and it will tempt the married man.  Single women should not communicate with married men, even in the course of their work.  All communications should go through the wife – she must give permission or you are coming in between a husband and wife.  It is also wrong for the church to send a single woman because women are to obey their father or their husband – that’s it.  They should not be making decisions on their own.  Women must have a man protector.  Missionaries are to be sent out 2x2 – never single.  I disobeyed the will of my father by coming here.  All I could say in return was that it WAS my father that sent me.  Father God told me to come, did she want me to disobey HIM?

Can you see why I might have trouble finding friends here?  Inperpetuity’s point that I agree with is that the ideal would have been to come 2x2.  Missionaries that come as a married couple, sometimes with children, have a built in support system.  Someone to talk to, to have fun with, to share the list of tasks to be done, someone to hold the video camera, to pick the wood ticks off your back.  That was one more thing to whine about during October, not the wood tick contortionist's challenge, the fact that I have remained single now for 22 years after the divorce.  Of course, can’t blame God for that one, that was a choice I made. 
Still, He had mercy and sent someone to crash my pity party.  I got an email from someone I had never met inviting me to coffee.  A missionary couple from Florida lives here in Pretoria and they randomly heard about PLAY and wanted to meet me.  The wife invited me to join her Women’s Bible study – exactly what I needed – 6 lovely women, a spiritual support team.  And my friendship quotient tripled in one night!

God didn’t leave me alone in that cave and I have stepped out into the sunshine again.  I deeply apologize to all those people waiting for responses to their emails, I am a couple months behind now.  You know what they say, correspondence from the cave is like drunk dialing, you will regret it afterward.  Or maybe they don’t say that, but that’s how I felt at the time.  I might not have typed slurred words, but I didn’t have the energy to dress up the depressing dribble that I would have written.

No doubt there will be more battles with loneliness to come.  This is the first year I don’t get to go home for Christmas, so that’s going to be a toughie.  I expect to be crying into my eggnog.  But it helps to have things to look forward to, like going home in February, and another answered prayer, help is on the way!  My friend Liz is coming for 3 months to help me tackle that long list of things to do.  PLAY’s first volunteer!  Of course, PLAY can’t pay her so she has to raise the money to get here, but I am confident God will provide that too.

Which brings me to the question, “To T or not to T?”  As it nears the end of 2014 and PLAY has pulled off three successful camps this year, I am happy that my NPO budget has been met and there is enough money in the bank to finish the year.  But PLAY has this wonderful problem, my pastors are coming to visit in January!  I can’t wait for them to experience how special these kids are and to witness the amazing transformation that takes place at PLAY camp, for them to see firsthand the value of the program that Twin Lakes Church is making possible.  The problem is, they have to have something to see.  That means putting on a PLAY camp in January.   

January is when I usually return to USA to do fundraising for the year and since I won’t have done this yet, meager resources mean tough decisions have to be made. 

One reason why tennis shoes are necessary at camp

After paying for the necessities of camp (venue, food, counselors, bus, tennis shoes for the kids, teaching supplies), there is only $1500 left in the bank.  So the question is, do I use that to buy Tshirts for the kids ($1200 for 200, the minimum order) or for my plane ticket to come to USA at end of January ($1400)?  I need to come to USA to fundraise or there won’t be any money for camps in 2015.  But the PLAY Tshirts are such a source of pride for the kids.  It is an honor to be nominated by their school to attend camp so wearing it at school upon their return is their badge of leadership.  It reminds them to be positive leaders, of the things they learned at camp.  Not to mention these kids get so few new things in life, and can really use an extra shirt while at camp.

New shoes and socks, new Tshirt

Whether the money is spent on Tshirts for the year or a plane ticket for me, either way the PLAY account is depleted.  Buying Tshirts for four camps assumes that there will be camps in 2015, even when the bank balance says otherwise.  That is faith.  That is how I have to operate each month.  No doubts, no fears – He will provide.  And for two years now, He has!  So do I prioritize and do the fiscally responsible thing and buy a plane ticket to make sure I get to USA for fundraising?  Or do I buy the Tshirts and trust He will provide the rest? To T or not to T? 

Tell me what you think: 

Should the church send single women missionaries?  (For the record, Twin Lakes Church didn’t send me.  I came on my own and after a few years in the field, they voted to support me as a mission partner.)

Should I buy Tshirts or a plane ticket?

Then there’s the question that I constantly ask myself, “should I ask the hard question?”  Should I ask for help?  The real reason that I am struggling to do everything myself and struggling financially, I suck at asking for help!  That is a horrible quality for someone who came by themselves to live and work in a foreign land and who is dependent daily on others giving money.  It is something I have to work on if PLAY is going to be sustainable.  For now, just know that it is really hard for me to say this (it actually makes me nauseous and my finger shakes as it hovers unsure over the Publish button on blogspot) and if you are a regular reader of my blog, you know I rarely say it:  Please donate to PLAY.   

PLAY is a 501c3 nonprofit organization so your donation is tax deductible.  You can donate online at www.PLAYnonprofit.org or mail a check to PLAY, 127 S. Presidio Dr.   Gilbert, AZ 85233  If you’d like, you can designate where you want your donation to go: camp costs, my plane ticket, monthly support for Liz to keep her here helping me.

Can we get back to talking about something easier now?  Like world peace or how I’m unwittingly an evil temptress of married men…